What a Sad Girl Eats
She likes to eat candy, but not the way she used too. When she was younger, a bag of jelly beans or gummy worms would be followed by a finger or two down her throat in a lonely school bathroom. Now, she eats her feelings but keeps them pent up inside of her, bringing her a rush of happiness that she can’t get anywhere else. Her best friend helps keep her sane, telling her how boys prefer girls who have meat on their bones, who weigh enough to get their periods. The space beneath her bed is covered with wrappers, hidden away from the prying eyes of her health conscious parents. The bright candies hurt her stomach but make her feel comforted and warm inside.
What as Sad Girl Thinks About
Going to class can be too much sometimes. When she can’t take it, she’ll walk to a cemetary down the road from school and take a break from her life. The cool grass against her skin make her feel grounded and the solitude is comforting. Her head is often so clouded that she can’t think but when she cuts class to be alone outside, her thoughts are as clear as the sky she stares up at. She thinks about her brother, who’s mental illness keeps him at almost constant risk of hurting himself. She thinks about her ex boyfriend and how he hurt her, leaving her crying, lying in the middle of the road watching his car pull away. She thinks about the future, and if she’ll be alive to experience what it has to offer. She can’t wait for college, a career, and kids, but she doesn’t know what those will bring and if she’ll be able to help herself through it. These solo field trips bring her stillness externally, but inside she’s full of movement.
Why a Crazy Girl Doesn’t Go to Football Games
She used to love them, the excitement, the cheering, the snackbar, and the acceptance that her school’s team will lose but enjoying watching them play anyway. The first game of the season that year was different. She originally decided not to go, but the solitude inside her house was making her crazy so she joined her friends at the end of the first quarter. Sitting in the hard concrete stands, she listened to her friends talk about the boys in their lives. Some of these boys brought happiness, some brought heartbreak, some brought excitement, the nervous, happy feeling of a newness and the promise of a relationship. She confided in them that she knew hers was going to break up with her, maybe that Sunday when she had plans to see him. They all told her not to worry; she was just feeling insecure and it would end up alright. Thinking about this brought on a wave of anxiety, a tsunami crashing down on her from the top of the stadium. She knew a panic attack was coming, so followed by two friends, she dashed up the steps and then down towards the hallways. She ran and ran, surprised by her own speed. Finally, she crashed into a wall and began to sob, falling to the floor and lying in a messy heap. Her friends caught up to her and tried to console her, but her mind was in such chaos that she couldn’t register what they were saying. All she knew was that she was in danger; from kids passing her in the hallway, from the dark bushes, and from the severed head hiding in the loudspeaker who was knowingly whispering, “You aren’t okay, are you. They’re all after you. All of them.” Suddenly enraged, she threw her purse as hard as she could, hitting a younger boy in the back of the head. He was trying to kill her, probably with the long bloody knife sticking out his back pocket. Her friends called her mom, who came to pick her up immediately. She knew she needed to go to the hospital psych ward but instead, she calmed down, had a glass of tea and went to bed. Ever since then, she’s been afraid to go to football games, for fear of these events repeating themselves.
What a Crazy Girl Talk About in Therapy:
Her therapist is a friendly blond woman who blames her symptoms on her astrology chart, full of Scorpio and Gemini. She tells her that sometimes she wants to jump off a building, not to kill herself but because she thinks she can fly. She tells her that sometimes she daydreams about sneaking into her ex boyfriend’s house and cutting off his wavy black hair with scissors so he can feel her pain, even though she knows that he already does. She chuckles, picturing how he would look bald. Her therapist reminds her of the rules of confidentiality, that the police will be called if she states serious intention to hurt him or anyone else. But she and her therapist know that she won’t actually do any of the destructive things she thinks about doing.
How a Smart Girl Parties
She limits herself to the cheap vodka halfway filling a glass kombucha bottle. She takes as many hits off her and her friends’ e cigarettes as she wants but only two from her wax pen. The best kind of drunk is sober enough to have coherent conversations and to not worry about throwing up but drunk enough to dance and give her snapchat to any boy who asks. Everything in moderation; go out, but not every weekend. Kiss boys, but don’t let them convince you into going further in the back rooms of house parties. She was proud of herself for being safe that Halloween. A boy at the party she went to drank to such excess that he was unable to speak, a mixture of foam and vomit pouring out of his mouth as he stared blankly. 911 was called and the party ended in flashes of red and white lights, the fire trucks roaring away while everyone looked on. She felt bad for the boy, and glad that she had not had the same fate. She knew she was prone to making bad decisions when it came to drugs and alcohol. But that time, she felt mature for pacing herself and having fun without being self destructive.
What a Smart Girl Has Realized
She knows that she has nothing in her life figured out, but that that’s okay. Her feelings are huge and heavy, sometimes coming close to crushing her. But she’s learned how to deal with them and grown strong enough to push them off. She still thinks about the boy who broke her heart, but doesn’t miss the chaos he brought. Being a teenager is about figuring out who she is, which she doesn’t yet know how to discover. In the meantime, she works on taking care of herself and the people she loves, finding happiness in her relationships.